06.15.2023

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Today’s Forecast

49º | Showers | 84% chance of rain | Sunrise 7:50 a.m. | Sunset 4:40 p.m.

We are laughing

Tell us your best Portland-themed dad jokes

A dad lies in the grass with his eyes closed and a smile on his face with his son on top of him, also laughing and looking at the camera.

Why is a field of grass always older than you? Because it’s pasture age. | Photo by @corelens

What did the Portland gardener do when they were asked to come into work early?

They rose to the occasion.

Badum-tis. Okay, one more.

Which Portland bridge has the best sense of humor?

The Ha-Ha-Hawthorne Bridge.

*Spits out a mouthful of Water Avenue Coffee.*

Our apologies for catching you unawares with such hilarity so early in the morning (or whenever you’re reading this).

If you’re unfamiliar with the art of the dad joke, you must not have read the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2019, which defined the new entry as “a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny.”

Bit wordy, that.

Whether it’s in the contract when fathers take their child home from the hospital, or some unexplained phenomenon that manifests out of the charcoals during backyard barbecues, the world may never know.

What we do know, is that our readers are funny. So, in honor of Father’s Day, we want to hear your best Portland-themed dad jokes. Give us those eye-rolling puns, laughably unfunny punchlines, and cringy one-liners.

The best submissions will get an Instagram shoutout on the big day.

Let us hear it

Events

Thursday, June 15

Rose City Vintage Market | Thursday, June 15-Friday, June 16 | Times vary | Portland Expo Center, 2060 N. Marine Dr., Portland | $8-$25 | Oregon’s largest indoor/outdoor market returns with home decor, fashion, accessories, and other collectibles.
“Clue, An Unscripted Mystery” | Thursday, June 15-Saturday, July 1 | 7-9 p.m. | Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., Portland | $14-$80 | Was it the city editor, in the home office, with the keyboard? You’ll just have to find out.
Zak Toscani House Show | Thursday, June 15 | 7-10 p.m. | 2023 NW Sierra Ln., Camas, WA | $0-$20 | The stand-up comedian who got his start in Portland is bringing his backyard tour of laughs to the suburbs.
Nights of the Dragon Boat | Thursday, June 15-Sunday, June 25 | 7:30-9:30 p.m. | Lan Su Chinese Garden, 239 NW Everett St., Portland | $10-$25 | Attend “Duanwu,” AKA the Dragon Boat Festival, featuring a traditional dragon dance, local vendors, interactive activities for all ages, and see the brand new, 6-ft-tall lantern from China.

Friday, June 16

Rose City Book & Paper Fair | Friday, June 16-Saturday, June 17 | Times vary | DoubleTree Hotel Portland, 1000 NE Multnomah St., Portland | $5 | Peruse everything from underground ‘zines and quirky vintage photo albums, to antiquarian tomes and signed first editions by today’s hottest authors.

Saturday, June 17

8 Seconds Juneteenth Rodeo | Saturday, June 17 | 3-9:30 p.m. | Portland Expo Center, 2060 Marine Dr. W., Portland | $42-$160 | Top-notch athletes from around the country will show off their skill and courage riding bulls, wrestling steers, and racing ‘round barrels. Good luck staying off the edge of your seat.
Brewers & Their Bands | Saturday, June 17 | 3-10 p.m. | Ecliptic Brewing, 825 N. Cook St., Portland | $0-$20 | Blast off with a full day of live music and festival-style beer tastings.

Tuesday, June 20

Summer Axe Throwing Leagues | Tuesday, June 20 | 7-9 p.m. | Blade & Timber, 1150 NW 17th Ave., Portland | $80 | Add some competitive axe-citement to your Tuesday nights by joining Blade & Timber’s summer axe-throwing leagues — at $80 for eight weeks of gameplay, it’s a real deal.*

Events calendar here

Click here to have your event featured.

News Notes

Outdoors

Seven family-owned specialty nurseries in the Willamette Valley have grown together to form the Cascade Nursery Trail, a group that markets itself as a resource for supplying uncommon plants. Stretching from Canby to Salem, these businesses often collaborate on events, like the Beginning of Summer Garden Festival on Saturday, June 17. (The Oregonian/Oregon Live)

Holiday

You know what’s amusing? Watching a grown man scream his head off on a roller coaster. Find out for yourself by taking Dad to Oaks Amusement Park, where fathers get a free ride bracelet with a purchase for their kid on Sunday, June 18. The deal is only available in person. (KOIN)

Eat

“I’m here to reclaim the flour tortilla from Taco Bell and Taco Time,” Adán Fausto said of his new pop-up Tacos Con Onda, where guests can dig into delicious norteño-style tacos. Starting next week, find them Thursdays through Saturdays at locations around Southeast Portland. (The Oregonian/Oregon Live)

Plan Ahead

Formula E, the international electric racing series, whirs into town for the first time next week, with the main action on Saturday, June 24. A charged-up fan base and the region’s progressive ideals are said to have factored into bringing the event to the Rose City. (Portland Business Journal)

Number

$8 million. That’s how much Portland Parks & Recreation will spend to purchase the 300-space parking lot underneath the western end of the Morrison Bridge. There are no plans to develop the property, however the acquisition will provide additional public parking for Tom McCall Waterfront Park, as well as event opportunities. (KOIN)

Cause

AdoptOneBlock, the nonprofit that tasks approx. 7,600 volunteers with keeping one particular section of their neighborhood clean, wants to take that effort to Portland’s freeways, especially I-84 from the airport to downtown. But founder Frank Moscow says bureaucratic hurdles and excuses from those in charge remain a roadblock.

Try This

Willamette Valley Vineyards’ Into the Woods experience, once reserved for owners and club members, is now open to the public. Guests are invited to station their RV on the former Christmas tree farm — AKA the “traveling wine enthusiast park” — at the foot of the vineyard, and enjoy pop-up pours every Friday. (KOIN)

Featured Deal

Need a last-minute Father’s Day gift idea? Treat Dad to the ultimate smart home upgrade by converting his manual window shades into motorized SmartShades. Easy-to-install, energy savings, and smart sophistication all in one package. RYSE is offering 10% off the entire store. Snag the deal here.*

Finance

A Banksy painting that gave everyday investors 32% returns? Yep, you read that right. Thousands of investors are smiling all the way to the bank thanks to the fine art investing platform Masterworks. Masterworks investors have benefitted from sales with returns of 13.9%, 35.0%, and 27.3%. Skip the waitlist and join.*

Travel

It’s time to plan that last summer hurrah for Labor Day weekend. May we suggest a coastal getaway to the Outer Banks? Or maybe your dream destination is a rustic treehouse in the Adirondack Mountains. Wanna splurge? This modern farmhouse in Napa Valley is sure to be unforgettable.*

Community

📚 Put boredom back on the shelf

Resources at Multnomah County Library

Two people kneel down holding an overside Multnomah County Library card between them and in front of a goat.

As the kids say, Multnomah County Library is the GOAT. | Photo by @multnomahcountylibrary

School’s out for summer.

Parents and kids across Portland are probably thinking, “now what?”

Well, as long as you have a Multnomah County Library card, you can take advantage of many free activities that go beyond the books.

Stream thousands of movies and documentaries on demand with Kanopy.
Spend a day at a local museum, theater, or other cultural institution through the My Discovery Pass program.
Prepare for your trip abroad using Mango Languages, which helps you learn 40+ languages, including Spanish, Mandarin, Arabic, and Swahili. There are also English courses available in 17 different languages.

We’re only scratching the surface. Keep up to date on scheduled library events and get to know the library’s full complement of resources and services.

Check them out

The Wrap

Today’s edition by:
Ben

From the editor

It appears Washington County is following suit with its neighbor to the east by instituting a high-fire danger burn ban, which began yesterday. However, your grill and fire pit (maximum 3 ft wide and 2 ft tall) are exempt. Whatever it takes to keep our skies smoke free this summer, I fully support.

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